My brief stint as a district police officer. Part 1

In his first days on the job, Pavel had to disperse the homeless.

It’s no secret that few people respect the police.

“They can’t do a damn thing!” some say. “All they know how to do is dig around in drunk people’s pockets!”

“Policemen are just bastards,” others enjoin. “You really don’t know who to fear more — criminals or guys in uniforms.”

Few people hold the police in high esteem. Many believe they are stupid and indifferent to mankind’s suffering.

So I decided to join the ranks of the district police to get an inside look at a world closed to civilians.

Computer almost caught me

So, Kukin, you’ve skipped out on the army to relax here at the station, have you?” the head of the HR Department at a local police station in the Yaroslavl district said unceremoniously.

“No…” I said a bit timidly. “I’ve just wanted to join the police since I was a kid!”

“Aha, a Romantic, are you?” the colonel said shaking his head. “Well, you’ll lose that quick enough. Like to put back the booze, do you?”

“Sorry? What?” I said, not quite getting his point.

“Everything’s clear now,” he said, smirking under his thick moustache. “You just haven’t made buddies with booze yet.”

And off they sent me for psychological testing. I had to say “yes” or “no” to the 600 questions in what must be the longest psychological test in the world. “I love my father,” “Sometimes I see what other people don’t,” “I almost never feel pain when urinating…”

Should the truth be told, I tried to answer honestly. It turns out I shouldn’t have. The computer processed my answers… For example, I answered “no” to the question about my father. What exactly did they mean by “love” anyway? I mean, I don’t have anything against him! So I flunked the test outright, and also learned some interesting things about myself. It seems I had a strict childhood, hated my father and suffer from hallucinations. But I was just talking about completely realistic things that might go unnoticed by others. Like a green sprout popping out of the city asphalt.

Later, though, I spoke with a living psychologist who understood I was normal and sent me back for a repeat test. The second time around the computer was satisfied with my answers. READ MORE


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